Today's blog post imagines a race narrated by Ray Hudson and Phil Schoen, my favorite soccer commentators.
Phil: Good morning to you ladies and gentlemen, broadcasting on a beautiful crisp Saturday morning near the Atlanta Track Club offices.
Ray: Lots of good cheer in a hidden neighborhood of brewpubs, wedged in between Peachtree Creek and the interstate highway.
Phil: The Atlanta Track Club has created a wonderful series of members-only races, running by appointment.
Ray: An ingenious paragon of creativity in this ghastly year of COVID.
Phil: And this is the final event of 2020, the Grand Prix 800 meter race. Ray, what is the strategy for an 800 meter race?
Ray: Well Phil, too many runners underestimate this distance.
Phil: What do you mean, it's only half a mile. Most runners aren't even warmed up at half a mile.
Ray: This race finishes faster than a teenage lad imagining his first kiss.
Phil: I won't try to explain.
Ray: The race is hard, but it doesn't last long.
Phil: OK Ray, enough said. Anyway, we're following Frank McDonald's race this morning. He's scheduled for the 8:02 am starting slot.
Ray: He's facing a real challenge. Bryan Greenberg just ran a 2:59 finish. Frankie boy has never broken 3 minutes for this distance.
Phil: But Ray, he's coached by Carl Leivers. Many of Carl's runners have a reputation for speed, including the women's winner at the 10-miler on November 1.
Ray: Frank is built more for the long run. He can stretch out a marathon session for more than four, even five hours. Really incredible. Except, we're talking about running.
Phil: This is beside the point, but I interviewed Frank several years ago. Did you know that he lived in Catalunya for three months?
Ray: You don't say. Is he a Barça fan?
Phil: Absolutely, he loves the team, the city, the people. He even plans to run the marathon in Barcelona once the pandemic has ended.
Ray: Gotta love his odds today if he is one of the 'Culés!
Phil: Some of his Spanish friends call him "Paco".
Ray: Then I think this Barça hombre has a fightin' chance of winning this race! And here comes Paco now, beginning his warmup! Olé!!
Phil: He's had a haircut since we last saw him in the 10-Miler.
Ray: I wonder which bonnie lass gave him such a nice trim?
Phil: Uh Ray, his wife is named Bonnie.
Ray: Sounds like a nice Irish girl.
Phil: Actually, she's Korean, and she's his inspiration.
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| 10 minutes before the start |
Ray: Paco McDonald? En español, lo llamo Paco Maldonado.
Ray: No, this is another heat, featuring speedster Tommy Daniels. He's on the Wakanda Olympic Team.
Ray: Tommy Daniels reminds me of Leo Messi: He disperses his atoms on one side of the field and puts them back together on the other side. That's what happened on the back stretch.
Phil: Let's go back to the start, I think that Frank McDonald is about to begin his race.
Ray: Paco is sizing up the competition, he takes the number 2 slot, to the right of a much faster man.
Phil: For the viewers at home, this is the route. About 250 meters on Ottley Drive, then a right turn onto Clayton Road, and then a 400 meter dash to the finish line on Armour Drive.
Phil: Ray, what do you think of the course? It's not the traditional two laps around an oval.
Ray: This course is as flat as a
Phil [quickly interrupting]: Track, no hills on this course. Ray, what does a runner think about in the minute before the 800 meter race?
Ray: I'll bet that Paco is thinking about some hills right now.
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| The starting line |
Phil: Today's starting official is a speedster in his own right, Atlanta Track Club's Enrique Tomas.
Ray: Is Paco complaining to the starter?
Phil: No, he's saying "Good luck" to the other runners.
Ray: "¡Buena suerte!" or in Catalan, "Bona sort!"
Phil: The starter raises the gun, and fires!
Ray: The crack of the pistol, and Paco has started quicker than a jackrabbit on a hot date!
Phil: Ray, it's important in the first 200 meters that the runners get out fast and relaxed. Frank is on the left but he doesn't need to cut in right away. He has a step or two on the other man!
Ray: This start is as electrifying as a Jimi Hendrix guitar going into a hot tub!
Phil: Looks like Frank has been training!
Ray: Centipedes fantasize about having just two legs like his.
Phil: They are approaching the first right turn, running neck-to-neck.
Ray: Euclid postulated the right angle in ancient Greece.
Phil: Uh oh, Frank took a few extra steps on the turn, plus he just dodged a pothole.
Ray: Paco took that turn so wide, I thought he was an 18-wheeler.
Phil: The other man is now clearly in front. But Frank needs to stay relaxed and fast. Don't make any sudden bursts during this part of the race. He's moving at a 5:30 min / mile pace, that can get him to the finish line around 2:45.
Ray: Like Leo Messi, Paco needs to invent a passing lane.
Phil: They are already at the second and final turn onto Armour.
Ray: Jumpin' Jack Flash! Paco follows the lead runner more tightly, no Pythagorean theorem this time.
Phil: But I don't know if it will do him enough good. The other man is opening up a bigger gap. This is where Frank must consciously pick up the pace, otherwise he will slow down.
Ray: Ooo, Paco is no Jordi Alba. You can see it in his face, he is gasping for air like a goldfish in a dirty pond. Now he's slower than a 6 min / mile pace.
Phil: The best advice I've heard for the last 200 meters is to imagine a slingshot, to propel yourself past the man running in front of you.
Ray: Paco's rubber band just snapped like it's been sitting in a drawer for too long.
Phil: The lead runner has crossed the finish line in less than 3 minutes!
Ray: Magisterial!
Phil: I think that Frank will miss the 3 minute goal.
Ray: A lot of foreplay from Paco in the first 400 meters, but a disappointing finish.
Phil: The official result: 3:10.94. Ray, that might be a personal best for Frank.
Ray: I dunno, Paco looked like an aqua jogger at the end, when we're expecting Michael Phelps.
Phil: Still, he looks pretty happy. He wasn't passed by the other two in his heat.
Ray: Ah, gotta love a man with low expectations.
Phil: He was seeded third, so second place is an improvement.
Ray: Bronze to silver, numero dos, second fiddle.
Phil: Let's take a look at the pace chart.
Phil: You're right Ray, he had a good start, but steadily decelerated for the rest of the race.
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